Well, unfortunately, I cannot take credit for part of this blog, I stumbled upon the weblog of Margaret Cho and loved what she had to say for today (6/21/04). This is only a part of the blog, but you can view her blog at http://margaretcho.net/blog/. I totally love her writing style, and wish to someday be able to express myself in such a way.
"Occasional nights I miss you so badly I will wake up screaming. Alarming, but at least it is at the moment still occasional. It would be funny, if it weren't my fault. But I left you for dead, even though you were just limping. I got indignant and angry, and now I am too embarrassed to invite myself back into your life. Not that you would want me. You have new friends, new people, no desire to look back. Why should you? But you leave your life, like a door ajar, so I can see inside, but I can't come in.
The party I am missing carries on without me, and I feel what I have missed like an arrow in my heart. I can cut off the arrowhead and the feathers on the back, but a broken piece remains lodged there still, subtly impaling me forever. I am not aware if I hurt you, but I know I hurt myself by leaving.
You know, there are people that I leave that I never want to leave, but I just do. I am not sure why I do this. They could be lovers, friends, anyone. Once they are close, too close, they are cast out of my kingdom, without reason or logic. When you can identify my faults, define my frailty, expound on my weakness, you become a mirror I cannot resist shattering, and then all your shards are on the ground and will cut me if I try to pick them up. There are a few, unbreakable mirrors, left hanging on the wall, but you are not one of them. Still, I wish to see my reflection once again in your eyes.
I come home, remove this face I have painted on, for no one in particular, and I see myself, refracted, like uneven, jagged triangles of broken glass. I put myself to bed, piece by piece."
Ok, so this is me, I'm back, again! There was so much about about this that I could identify with. Not the whole, losing someone I love, not now anyway, being that I am in a wonderful relationship. But the whole leaving, not wanting to leave, letting down those walls that surround me, that sometimes seem to control what I will, and will not speak, only to find that they have grown bigger and more fortified than before.
We, humans, are very fragile creatures, and because of this it is difficult allowing the outside world into our comfortable, secure dwelling. At times I am able to share just a bit more of myself with you, but then I begin to feel too exposed, and the invisible walls will appear as though visible. When in fact, I know that they are visible only to me. Well, that is me, and I am sure that in time I will learn to let those walls fall down, maybe they will come crumbling down, but being abit more realistic, I think they may come down one stone at a time.
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