Well I awoke this morning to the sound of Metallica's 'Master of Puppets'. Well I think I did? After asking Joel why Metallica was blaring from his clock radio (not mine, as would be expected) he could not recall hearing any Metallica - so this is all in my head? Well I awoke to Metallica this morning, real or imagined.
Of course, I decided that this surely must be a day for Metallica for my 15 minute commute to the office. Well it's enough time to listen to a few songs, at least. After rummaging through the collection of Metallica, I find to my dismay that I don't even own the 'Master of Puppets' cd! That sucks! But I do own 'Ride the Lightning' which is another one of my all time favorite Metallica albums. So 'Ride the Lightning' it is.
How the mighty have fallen? I mean you really can't beat early Metallica, but what happened? I tried to listen to a few songs from their latest able, St. Anger...gee give me a break. Total crap! After all these years their egos have managed to drown out any musical creativity! I will say it again, 'How the mighty have fallen!!'
So I am driving in my car, trying to deal with the numerous stupid people on the road, even at 6.30am in Seattle. I decide to just relax and enjoy Metallica, hey, I am in no rush, I don't start work until 7am and I am going to be early anyway. I want to enjoy every moment of freedom I can get before my life takes a standstill for 10 hours (ok, I am slightly exagerating as my job is really not that bad, and I do work with mostly great people, and can actually be myself, really, which is usually a sarcastic bitch and they still love me?? That's what I keep telling myself anyway? Hey, maybe the bonus I get is for the witty & charming personality I have??) Dream on.....
So back to Metallica and music in general. Of course I can't go past 'For whom the bells toll', what an awesome riff!! Then I skip a song and next thing you know I am listenening to the intro of 'Fade to Black'. Yeh I know it is a ballad but it's a really great song. I love ballads! A good ballard anyway, not those cheesy ballads that someone like Yanni would play...scary! God save us.
Well I start to think of what a great medium music is. I have always loved music, all kinds of music. Well not really, everything except country and western....ugh. Music has the power to make you feel ecstatic, it can make you feel sad, it can trigger a memory, it can inspire you to be creative, it can pump you up for an aerobic session, or other kinds of sessions. You may not be able to express your feelings to another person one-on-one, but can speak volumes through music.
So it is interesting that every time I listen to the song 'Fade to black' I am transported through time and space. I am sitting in my bedroom, and I guess you could say I was feeling somewhat low. This was my first attempt at suicide. Obviously I wasn't very good at it or I would have accomplished the task? Maybe on a subconscious level I didn't really want to die, I just wanted the pain to go away. Sounds so cliche but I guess it is true? But then they (doctors/counsellors) also say attempts without success are a cry for help? I guess it could be if you tell people you attempted suicide?? But not really applicable if you hadn't told anyone? Maybe it gets back to the area of self mutilation??
Morbid much?
So, you are probably wondering why on earth I would even listen to the song nowadays? For one thing, it is a really great song, and with the passage of time the past seems to have little effect on me now. It is as though I have become dissassociated from the past. I remember everything that happened like it was yesterday, but it is as if it had happened to someone else. I guess time does heal all wounds?
So here are the lyrics to Fade to Black.
'Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free
Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can't be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now He's gone
No one but me can save myself,
but its to late. Now I can't think,
think why should I even try.
Yesterday seems as though it
never existed. Death Greets me
warm, now I will just say good-bye'
Disclaimer: I do not in any way, shape or form blame this song for my suicide attempt. I am aware of the few who find it easier to blame a song for the suicide death of a loved one, than come to terms with the fact that there was a darkness behind the happy facade. Suicide does not just happen, without the person giving it some prior thought before performing the action. Just because a band happened to put into words everything I happened to be feeling at the time, does not in any way make them responsible for my actions.
Hey gorgeous,
It does seem like years ago since you were that person. It still amazes me.
It would be so nice to have a loooong catch up over a bottle or 2 of nice wine.
Love
Claud
Posted by: claudy | October 22, 2004 at 03:26 AM