Quoth the Raven

It ain't over till it's over?

I am so glad that today is Friday. I am also glad that I only work from 7am - noon on a friday. What a perfect start to the weekend. Well it was mostly perfect until I received the phone call last night.

For those who have been following the previous couple of posts you will know that it has not been a nice week for me. It has actually been a horrible week beginning on Sunday with the death of Zonk, I don't think that I actually felt better until yesterday. I was beginning to get back to my sarcastic self at work ,and even started mingling with the Architectural masses. I started to feel like blogging again, like maybe I might have something to say at least, as I have felt quite numb inside and quite honestly, like I have nothing to contribute to the blogisphere. I even contemplated shutting down my site?

Well I knew those feelings would pass. I have owned a lot of animals in my lifetime and know that animal ownership = animal loss, and the whole grieving process and then you start all over again with a new animal. I knew that I would not, could not, forget my little friend and I knew things would get better. That the pain within my chest would be replaced with wonderful memories within my heart, in time.

So I arrive home at 6pm last night and was sitting at my computer ready to start blogging again, and maybe some christmas shopping, when the phone rings. I look at the number and notice that it is Australia calling. It was my mum. This could be good or bad? It could be mum just checking to see if we received the christmas present she sent, which we already had, and had already spoken to her. That said it must be bad news. Yep, I was right, don't you hate being right sometimes, and tonight I really wish I was wrong.

My brother, Paul, who has been suffering from depression and was just released from hospital after suffering from his second relapse, has disappeared. What do you mean he has disappeared? How could he just disappear?

He left the house yesterday, after refusing to take his medication and not sleeping very well the night before and has not been heard from since. My mother also found out that he cleaned out her savings account of $3,000.

I am so trying to remain level headed and hopeful that he will return, but I just don't know what is going on in his head. It has been 2 years since he suffered from his first major breakdown, and failed suicide attempt, and now I feel like we are back at square one. Admittedly, during those 2 years we have had numerous phone conversations, with me mainly ranting and raving in one form or another. But every now and then he would sound like his old self, the person who imagines a brighter future for himself, a person who sees himself having some control of his illness and not the other way around.

I tried many different angles during our conversations. I tried to plead with him to live, to contempate a better life; I tried to encourage with words of what a good and caring person he is, always genuine, always thinking of others; I tried to tell him to stop using the threat of suicide to get attention, even though I do realise that if he wants attention that much give it to him.

But on the other hand giving him attention may just encourage him to keep using this method and that is too stressing for my family and myself, always waiting for the phone call with the news of his death. I think that it has been in the back of my mind for the past 2 years, you feel that you are always just balancing on the edge of a cliff, thinking that this final news would certainly be the news that will push you over. Not a very good analogy under the circumstances?

So right now as I sit here and wonder; Where is he? What will he do? Does he even realise the anxiety that everyone else deals with while he is doing, whatever it is he is doing? Can I blame everything on the 'illness'? There are just so many emotions that a person goes through in this situation. At first I thought I would just collapse and cry, and then cry some more. But where will that get me? Me, falling to pieces will not help anyone, mainly my mother, who is my main concern right now. Then I felt angry; how could he do this to my mother? How could he take her hard earned savings?

But the question remains. Where is he?

1. Is he hanging around Melbourne, maybe staying with a someone we don't know about? Though he never really had many, any, friends so I find that hard to believe.
2. Is he heading for Sydney where he will vacation for a couple of weeks before committing suicide?
3. Is he on a plane right now heading for Seattle? I find this hard to believe, but anything is possible, right? I really hope he is not coming here as I could not afford to get him the medical care that he needs. I have insurance but that only covers myself. I cannot imagine what it could cost to pay for his medication, hospital care, etc. Unlike Australia, where you can go to any hospital or doctor and just show them your medicare card, which everyone has. A much better system.

If I did see him I imagine going from hugging him, to screaming at him, to dragging him back into the hospital, as I really do not know what the doctors were thinking in releasing him so soon. The first time he was admitted to hospital the doctors placed him on both, depression and anti-psychotic medication which he needed. But this time I think they only have him on the medication for depression? But there are just so many what ifs, buts, and unknowns.

In the end all I can do is wait and pray...

P.S. Maybe this is one of the reasons why I have chosen to get my degree in Psychology? Maybe this is also one reason why I am not rushing to have a baby anytime soon? You know those nasty genetics??

The emptiness inside

Well it has only been 3 days since Zonk died and it is just so hard to accept the fact that he is really gone. Nothing holds much importance at the moment. I guess that is normal for anyone dealing with grief. I decided to take Monday off as I just couldn't deal with it, it meaning people contact. I work with a really great group of people, unfortunately, people who care enough to ask how I am. I really wasn't ready for that question.

So I basically moped around the house, often forgetting that Zonk was in a better place, and not sleeping in his favorite spot by the couch. Or that he was not following me around the house or getting under foot in the kitchen. I no longer had to worry about closing the doors for fear of him going outside and coming face to face with danger, or something worse....

Like a couple of years ago when our house guests left the back door open and my little guy disappeared for 3 hours! I was a total mess. Anything could have happened to him? My imagination went into overdrive; did the neighbourhood cats attack him? What if he was run over by a car? Did someone find him and take him home? What if he got lost and couldn't find his way back home? The scenarios were endless...

Some neighbors in the apartment complex had a upright piano in the hall and had just moved it upstairs that evening. Of course I thought that Zonk could have climbed inside the piano and was now in slumberland, in someone else's apartment? It may sound irrational but anything is possible with ferrets. So at 10.30pm I proceed upstairs to find out if the neighbors have seen my baby? Well, wouldn't you know that they would be having a small dinner party, during which I, the crazed woman with tear stains lining her face, interrupt to ask if they have seen my ferret crawling around their apartment? Yes, I imagine they did think this was a strange visitation, followed by an equally strange question.

By now the dinner party was in full swing and they had already begun playing the piano. If you know anything at all about ferrets, then you know that they can sleep through anything. The neighbours are more than eager to help out and decide to unscrew the back of the piano so we could search for Zonk. I would like to add that we still don't know if Zonk is in this apartment, and by this time I am hoping he is otherwise I have made a total fool of myself? So the back comes off, we do a search and what do we find? Nothing, absolutely nothing! We thank the nice neighbours for all their help and let them get on with the party, only after helping them put the piano back together.

So what now? Where do we go from here?

We head downstairs and take another look around the apartment. Who do we see walking up the back stairs and through the garden heading towards our back door? You guessed it, Zonk.

We picked him up and rushed him to safety, behind closed doors. He seemed totally fine apart from the fact that he had worked up a hardy appetite, was thirsty and smelled like car oil. I couldn't explain the car oil and didn't really want to think about where he found car oil? My little guy was ok and that is all that mattered. Well, by now we are thinking that he must be exhausted and ready for a good nights sleep, but I was wrong. For even as the thought was going through my mind, Zonk proceeded to walk, not towards his cage, but towards the back door.

For him the evening was just getting off the ground, it appeared he came home just to replenish his energy and then expected to head off once again, maybe to paint the town red?

That was our Zonk.

Another quiz to take my mind of the harsh realities of life

You Are From Uranus

You shine with brilliant creativity, and you're more than a little eccentric. You love everything unusual and shocking. You're one far-out chick or dude. Anything unconventional excites you - and you have genius potential. Just don't let your rebel side get the best of you, or else you'll alienate everyone. Your original thinking and funky attitude is all you need to be you.

What Planet Are You From?

R.I.P Zonk 12.05.2004

At 10am this morning Joel and I were sitting in a room in the Emergency clinic waiting for Zonk to breath his final breathe.

Zonk (aka Mooshka or Fangface) was diagnosed with cancer just 4 weeks ago. Today we were forced to take him to the vet to be euthanised. It was a really hard decision but one that needed to be made.

It is amazing just how quickly the situation seemed to change, for the worse. He has had moments when it would be difficult to walk around, though some of that was associated with the fact that he had some genetic problems; he was missing a couple of disks in his back and aging just seemed to make it worse for him. But he has been pretty well lately. Yesterday he was eating, drinking and chewing the handle of his favorite backpack (like a rabid animal, I might add). But this morning we just knew that his fight was over. The cancer had ravaged his body to the point where it was beginning to shut down. We sat with him for an hour before taking him to the emergency clinic, where they proceeded to ease any suffering that he may have been experiencing with a simple injection.

I cannot put into words how devastating it is to have to put your pet to sleep. But I know that this was the only decision that we could make, other than sitting with him and just waiting for him to die. I just couldn't let that happen.

Even though we have 3 more ferrets, Zonk was certainly in a class of his own. I don't think he ever, for one moment, believed that he was an animal. He was our first ferret and had spent 2 years with us before we decided to adopt a ferret friend for him. So 1 lead to 2 and the next thing you know we are the proud owners of 4 ferrets. but he never really connected with them, he only spent time with the other ferrets if he had nothing better to do, and if he could snuggle up with them at night in order to make himself comfortable. But most of the time he was around us.

He has always been a fussy eater and for 6 years we have been trying to get him to eat 'ferret' food but he would not touch it. Instead, we were forced to make him grilled chicken breast and various supplements to insure that he got all the required vitamins. He was also a horribly nast little guy when we got him and it took him about 6 months before he finally realised that we would not hurt him, and he could stop attacking us!

In the end he turned out to be the sweetness, most loving little guy. So much so, that the first time we boarded him to go on vacation he stopped eating after 1.5 weeks and had to be syringe fed for the remainder of the time. But once we arrived home he would be back to his usual happy self.

So today, after arriving home to a Zonk-free house, we just know that things will never be the same again. We brought the other guys upstairs and they seemed to be searching for Zonk. So we will give the others some extra love and treats, and try to remember all the wonderful times we had with Zonk.

R.I.P Zonk

Which book am I?

You're Watership Down!
by Richard Adams

Though many think of you as a bit young, even childish, you're actually incredibly deep and complex. You show people the need to rethink their assumptions, and confront them on everything from how they think to where they build their houses. You might be one of the greatest people of all time. You'd be recognized as such if you weren't always talking about talking rabbits.

Take the Book Quiz at the Blue Pyramid.

The hands of time are ticking

I am sitting here aimlessly, staring at my computer, trying desperately to ignore the numerous tasks I must finish before the day is over. Some days I just lack the motivating factor that would necessitate action. Well, most days actually.

I often feel like life is moving to fast for me to keep up? Seriously, where does the time go? It is nearly Friday already, another week has gone by, thankfully. But I often find myself longing for the weekend only to find that Monday appears just as quickly...then we do it all over again.

I really don't want to wish my life away but that is what I am doing. So what is the solution? Quit work so I no longer have to care about what day it is? Gee wouldn't that be perfect. I could always have a baby which would give me an excuse to quit work, but I don't hate my job that much?

So here I sit, and will continue to do so for many more years. All I can say is thank God for the internet and all my blog buddies who make my day a little more exciting with all your trivia.

Christmas time is here again

Well it is finally here, and I know you have all been looking forward to it? I have to admit, that as much as I think christmas is a huge scam to make a heap of money for the retail companies, I do love it!

I might hate the pressure of having to buy gifts, and trying to please everyone in the process, but I do love buying people gifts that I just know they will love. I tend to buy gifts that I want, so you really do want to be on my gift list. Hey, I want to be on my gift list!!

Apart from the whole gift deal, not too mention the numerous gift baskets that come our way, there is the endless list of christmas parties to attend. And yes I do go through those phases where I just want to be alone, or alone with my husband, whichever comes first. I really do love my own company, and my husband is really a dream come true, but then there is Faith the social butterfly who seems to rear her head at the most bizarre times?

I think now is one of those bizarre times. The past couple of weeks have been quite the challenge? I received news that our first born ferret, the one that relocated to the U.S. with us has cancer of the lymph nodes. It also appears that the cancer may have spread to his lungs? We were/are devasted. How does one deal with the news that someone who means so much to you is being devoured by cancer? I really don't know as I am still coming to terms with the concept.

At the moment he is still eating and enjoying life but we really do not know how long he has left. For those who do not own or love animals the way I do, you may find this whole blog really hard to understand. But when you invite a living creature into your home and give it all the love that you would bestow on a child then it is difficult to find out that death has come to take away this little creature.

And then my brother, who suffers from depression was re-admitted to hospital last weekend. There is really no end to the grief that is caused when someone you love has to deal with mental illness. At least when it comes to illness related to the body you go to the doctor and take medication and just know that you will be well again soon. Or if it is a terminal illness you get treatment and do what you can to enjoy every moment you have left.

But when you have to deal with mental illness it is a constant rollercoaster for both the sufferer and the family/friends. Everything will be going quite well, and in my brothers case, once he starts to feel well again then he stops taking his medication and we end up back at square one.

So this afternoon, in spite of it all, thus began the christmas festivities, and like I said I initially wasn't in the mood for mingling but I went anyway. I must say that I am glad I did. It was nice to get out and just let my hair down. The company that we lease our office space from throw us a christmas bash at Daniels Broiler every year, which is both convenient; being right next door and loads of alcoholic fun! Thus the reasoning behind my newfound nickname, Drunk Girl. I confess that I did have a few drinks but I was far from drunk, in my opinion which also may have been tainted by alcohol?

Well I have come to the conclusion that when you feel the least like going out, is usually when you really need to go out. Get out and have some fun and life can at times take a turn for the better. I also realised that as much as my colleagues can, at times, yes even numerous times, drive me crazy, they are really great people. I could even go so far as saying that they are like family to me, yeh maybe I am drunk?? But it turned out to be a great time with some wonderful friends, so much so, that I am already looking forward to the next christmas party which is only next week. Let the celebrations begin....